![Home[less] Alone](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUGncFCUReh0Ago5r5_q2k0fXJjNDU5so1hAagO_IC9xZaYpZ9bTBqNcSQHCv5R60t-hOIv2FrctiAxkR9v0jzw_QdPfz8kNckeFvuBQyINyt2dnJHnci5StHg6RSEjm9_sphYcqMedY8/s1600/home%5Bless%5D-alone-header.jpg)
I'm in Canton, Ohio
at the home of a close friend, Shawn Frankly, I never knew how close
we were until all this happened. Shawn is a photographer and we go
back to around 1985 when he started his photography business. Now,
he's one of the main photographers in Northeast Ohio. He's shot for
all sorts of clients – ad agencies, magazines, companies, civic
entities and others. Tomorrow, he'll start shooting the Pro FootballHall of Fame event. It's a gig he's done annually for the past 25+
years.
Shawn and his wife,
Lisa, have been more than gracious. They took me in when they didn't
have a reason to do so. I'm grateful to have a roof over my head.
My homelessness has
provided me with new insights into gratitude, along with other
insights. For example, I learned I don't really have a family. Sure,
I have a biological mother, father and a sibling, but they don't want
to know me. I'm not sure what I did but, apparently, it was bad.
That's the thing. You try to do something good for folks and it
backfires in your face. Nonetheless, I'll keep trying.
I'm looking for
work. That's really a bit tougher than it seems. I'm trying to find
some writing work on the Net. I don't have a car or work-type
clothes, so focusing on working online seems like the sensible
option. I had done quite a bit of writing for various Websites back
in the day. But, they've all dried up and I'm back at the starting
gate. So, it's trolling Craigslist, Indeed and Monster. I've gotten a
couple of gigs but not enough to pay rent and such.
I am looking for an
apartment. I'm not sure how I'll pay for it yet, but looking
nonetheless. Foxhaven is a possibility. I used to live there a while
back. It's a nice place and they have studio apartments for around
$500/month. I can swing it if I can find a steady stream of writing
gigs. Back to Craigslist, Indeed and Monster.
I can't help but
think something will break … in a good way. I believe in karma and
if I keep striving to do good, it will come back. I hope it doesn't
come back and haunt me with a vengeance.
Right
now, I feel pretty worthless. My family has tossed me aside. I can't
find any work. I can do things that nobody, apparently, wants. I
write. I design. Geez, I just
re-read that and it really sounds pathetic. Speaking of karma, I must
have done something really bad in a previous life.
I
can't remember the last time I laughed or even smiled. The
only thing I can do is keep on
keeping on, try to be
positive and look for opportunities. I've
got an uphill battle to be what I once was.
Hi Neil. I found your blog after running across one of your old HOW articles yesterday. I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Your story has touched me deeply because I too have had a lengthy and successful career as a graphic designer and art director AND have fallen down that rabbit hole into homelessness. 17 months ago, I faced eviction from my live-work residence where I still worked as a successful freelance marketing creative director and designer with a solid clientale.
ReplyDeleteMy personal story involved a series of what the experts consider a major life crisis, one right after another and within a short period of time. Most everyone experiences any one of them throughout their lives. But all at once can be catastrophic and turn anyone's life instantly upside down.
Leading up to my eviction, I lost my father, then half my business leaving after a corporate buyout of a client, followed by my husband (and business partner) suffering through a long and painful fight with pancreatic cancer when we were caught uninsured. I then became a widow and for the most part, left all alone as family and friends go back to their lives. On top of grieving, I struggled with symptoms of PTSD and depression while hanging onto dear life at those times when I fell into utter despair when I wasn't pulling out of it fast enough.
It was like falling off a cliff when I landed in my present perdicament. I was able to throw my personal belongings into a storage container and rent a small art studio to call "home base". Not being live-work, I sleep at the "Ford Hotel" on a mattress that just barely fits in the back of my SUV. It was all I could do at the time and sure it would just be a temporary bridge to the "next life".
Without a strong support system and gainful steady employment, it's been a long, uphill journey, a very confusing time and much like turning the Titanic around as it headed towards an iceberg.
I read in your journal so many of my own thoughts and emotions. I can hear you struggle the same way I have. Know it is all normal and you are a survivor.
How I got here seems to forever haunt me as to what did I do wrong to "deserve this kind of fate". It took me some time to realize that voice in my head is just my depression talking. It takes courage and strength to battle the depression when you are left alone with the negative thoughts.
At those times, I just have to literally be my own best friend and say to myself, "Move over, depression. I'm not wrong, I'm not bad. I'm still lovable, still able, still smart enough, still a damn good designer and by hell or high water, I will get through this!"
Know that who you consider "what you once were" is still inside you now. Your survival skills are amazing! I have much shame around being homeless so don't like to tell many about it. So I think you have tremendous courage to come out publicly about your journey. I can see you have many great friends who love you and want to support you in your journey. They are all angels in my eyes.
As for your family, they are the ones with the problem, not you. There are just people who don't have the capacity to know how to treat their own family, a homeless person, or even grieving widows for that matter. It is better to come from love, acceptance and just set them aside for the time being if they are bringing you down.
Keep your eye on the path of trusting your instincts, your goodness and remembering to do things that you enjoy on a daily basis. That is the path out of this. One step at a time.
To the anonymous person who wrote this reply... Please post a paypal address or venmo account, or someway I can help.
ReplyDeleteI missed your comment. I found it via Jen.
ReplyDeleteThings are tough but we will get through all this. One way or another. Hang in and please keep in touch. At least we can support each other. Where are you, by the way?