I was thinking ... again

I wrote this last Friday, but didn't publish it for some reason. Probably just a little too depressing.
 
I was thinking … again. Yeah, I know. Dangerous. But it happened, none-the-less. I was thinking about how I should be pissed off. I didn’t do anything that I know of to get myself into this situation. I should be pissed off at the complex where my mother lives. They kicked me out with a police escort, no less. I should be upset with my family. My mother has never called me to see if I’m still alive. My father laughed at me when I called to ask if I could spend a rainy night at his place. My sister? Well, she’s part of the reason I’m homeless. A large part, actually. But, I’m really not upset with anyone.

I’d like to say my homelessness had lead to all sorts of wonderful stuff. I read about all kinds of miracle stuff that happens to the homeless. It hasn’t for me, though. Sure, I started this blog and it has given me an excuse to write. For me, writing is therapeutic. I’ve written four books so a friend said I should write a book about my experience. I may, but I don’t think there really a story. A lot of people are homeless and the topic has been written about to death.

I think (there I go again) I’m a wee bit depressed because it’s Friday afternoon. For normal people, that’s a time to rejoice. For me, it’s a bummer. It means another lonely weekend wondering what to

do with my self. Plus, I’m broke. So, it looks like I won’t be eating for a couple of days. Allow me to insert a shameless plug. Won’t be eating unless one or two of my wonderful readers feels compelled to send me a couple of bucks via Paypal. There’s a button in the sidebar. ———>

In an unwarranted change of subject, I am amazed that I haven’t had another stroke. My spot at the shopping center is across the street from a hospital. How handy is that? If I do have another stroke I can crawl over there. But, I probably won’t have a stroke or crawl over there. Also, it's a private hospital and I don't have insurance. Big surprise there.

That unwarranted change of subject is about to get morbid. To be honest, every night I pray that I won’t wake up in the morning. Death has an allure for me. I’m not sure if there’s anything after death, but it makes no difference to me. Closing my eyes forever means a way out, even if there’s no here after. I’m also not a religious person. But, I have found myself praying. Well, it’s mostly have a one-sided conversation with God. He doesn’t say anything.

I actually Googled “Is it possible to will yourself to death?” It’s not, which is a serious bummer. I’ve

thought a lot about suicide but it’s not a viable way out. It a bit of cosmic cruelty, suicide, for the most part, will cost you. You have buy drugs, a gun or a knife and, as I mentioned, I’m broke. I thought about throwing myself in front of a car, but, with my kind of luck, I’d probably just break a few bones or wind up in worse shape than now. So, that option is out.

Well, it’s 4:00 and the weekend is upon us. Soon it will be time to leave the sub shop and go to the shopping center. I never know what kind of surprises are in store for me. I mention the maintenance guy taking away my treasured bench. The ants are likely having a convention. But the hair salon closes early and that’s a good thing. Right now, I’ve got to figure out how I’m getting some food. Until next time, dear reader, have yourself a wonderful weekend and count your blessings.