Sunday, May 1, 2016

I was thinking ... again

I wrote this last Friday, but didn't publish it for some reason. Probably just a little too depressing.
I was thinking … again. Yeah, I know. Dangerous. But it happened, none-the-less. I was thinking about how I should be pissed off. I didn’t do anything that I know of to get myself into this situation. I should be pissed off at the complex where my mother lives. They kicked me out with a police escort, no less. I should be upset with my family. My mother has never called me to see if I’m still alive. My father laughed at me when I called to ask if I could spend a rainy night at his place. My sister? Well, she’s part of the reason I’m homeless. A large part, actually. But, I’m really not upset with anyone.

I’d like to say my homelessness had lead to all sorts of wonderful stuff. I read about all kinds of miracle stuff that happens to the homeless. It hasn’t for me, though. Sure, I started this blog and it has given me an excuse to write. For me, writing is therapeutic. I’ve written four books so a friend said I should write a book about my experience. I may, but I don’t think there really a story. A lot of people are homeless and the topic has been written about to death.

I think (there I go again) I’m a wee bit depressed because it’s Friday afternoon. For normal people, that’s a time to rejoice. For me, it’s a bummer. It means another lonely weekend wondering what to

do with my self. Plus, I’m broke. So, it looks like I won’t be eating for a couple of days. Allow me to insert a shameless plug. Won’t be eating unless one or two of my wonderful readers feels compelled to send me a couple of bucks via Paypal. There’s a button in the sidebar. ———>

In an unwarranted change of subject, I am amazed that I haven’t had another stroke. My spot at the shopping center is across the street from a hospital. How handy is that? If I do have another stroke I can crawl over there. But, I probably won’t have a stroke or crawl over there. Also, it's a private hospital and I don't have insurance. Big surprise there.

That unwarranted change of subject is about to get morbid. To be honest, every night I pray that I won’t wake up in the morning. Death has an allure for me. I’m not sure if there’s anything after death, but it makes no difference to me. Closing my eyes forever means a way out, even if there’s no here after. I’m also not a religious person. But, I have found myself praying. Well, it’s mostly have a one-sided conversation with God. He doesn’t say anything.

I actually Googled “Is it possible to will yourself to death?” It’s not, which is a serious bummer. I’ve
thought a lot about suicide but it’s not a viable way out. It a bit of cosmic cruelty, suicide, for the most part, will cost you. You have buy drugs, a gun or a knife and, as I mentioned, I’m broke. I thought about throwing myself in front of a car, but, with my kind of luck, I’d probably just break a few bones or wind up in worse shape than now. So, that option is out.

Well, it’s 4:00 and the weekend is upon us. Soon it will be time to leave the sub shop and go to the shopping center. I never know what kind of surprises are in store for me. I mention the maintenance guy taking away my treasured bench. The ants are likely having a convention. But the hair salon closes early and that’s a good thing. Right now, I’ve got to figure out how I’m getting some food. Until next time, dear reader, have yourself a wonderful weekend and count your blessings.


  1. Hang in there. I hope that things improve for you.

  2. Sophia,
    Because of all of you, they are looking up. Thank you so much!

  3. So sorry to hear of this entire ordeal. My wife and I will definitely send something your way mid month, on the 15th.

    Best wishes,

    Jimmy Smutek

  4. I don't know how it is in the USA, but here in Hungary if a homeless would have a stroke people would think that he is drunk an pay no attention.

  5. Hey my love I really feel for you and I am certain that your story is totally inspiring. I have read all of your homeless alone blog posts up to the end of this one. I am homeless as well , and I live in a homeless shelter so I honestly don't consider myself homeless. Its warm in here and I get public assistance and medicare for being in a shelter and I get housing without being g paid for by being in the shelter. I get a cozy bed and the staff is really nice. I am happy and feel the most home here honestly. My biolgocal parents did nothing but degrade me , so at eighteen I left on and off because I felt not Good enough for people but after six months upon being eighteen well less than that I was out. I went to a facility for being diagnose with bipolar ( o was severely abused mentally and my mom would never admit anything to People or me and do it all behind closed doors and after degadding me telling me alone it was only me and telling people the fake story it was mind reversed pyshhology) but then I was in a group home for the I'll that I placed myself in because I knew I was too weak from the abuse to be on my own and I needed to cleanse of her so my time was done and I don't want to label myself mentally sick for ever so I moved to a shelter because all my life I been told I'm sick and around horrible people I moved hours to NYC. Its a blessing I can think for me rather than around evil. Its telling u u don't need them. Your mom police escorting you when she told you to come. That's whack my love. She's ratchet and ugly. Also your step mom won't let u come and dad agrees. I didn't want to face I never had a mom because ego or ant friends or family. Bit it made me stronger. How can you ever be a friend to yourwelf if you say people love you when they don't ? That will make you think u r the problem. U r not. It makes u realize u r strong to deal with it. Most people couldn't. I never had friends BC an evil area but now I got the strength n around cool people. Why don't u move to NYC ? People pan handle a lot and the shelter is well but ltos of fights n drugs plus roommates. I'm getting a place soon through the system but its in NYC. We could be homies. :)yo my anymous Facebook is faith idol. I got no pic on there n inspiring videos it will help. Also you r a photographer we could make a documentrt? I know about a lot like you. Ones who judge ugly stuck IP lowlifes for real also no suicide things get better trust me I got through it u too. U got through way worst remmbermg love